I responded to your message. I thought about it for a whole week first, which was nearly impossible because my first reaction was to bike to your house and pound on your door. You probably wouldn't be home. You'd probably be studying in a coffee shop off of 45th or in the Library on campus. I had to wait a week, though, so I would know what to say if you did open the door. And then I'd have to know what to say if a girl was there.
I thought I could say something like, "Hey." And then I guessed I would go from there, depending on how you seemed to feel about me, and more specifically how you felt about me standing in front of your door. Uninvited, unannounced.
I thought I could say something like, "Hey, don't worry about it." I could say that in an e-mail, too, but I wont lie, I'd like to see your face. But I was thinking I'd say something like, "Don't worry about it," and laughingly add on, "I've sort of come to expect that from you," and, "but we're friends."
I thought I could say all that, and then also sort of say something else that showed I'd read your message. That I'd read it enough times to think I knew what you were really saying, and then also enough times for it to be possible that I thought I knew what you were really saying, when really all you were saying was what you'd said. What I'd add on would be something like, "We're friends. Forgiveness has never been an issue when it came to you ... and ... this." And what I'd really want to say is, "forgiving you is nothing compared to how hard it would be to trust you. Again. Or again. Or again. Or again. Or again. Or even again."
I thought I could not say any of that and just pound on your face and throat like I did on the door I somehow got you to open. I could say something like "Why would you fucking bother?!" And incase you thought that you'd really been doing this great thing, this really NICE thing for me, I'd explain myself with, "Why would you bother apologizing for ignoring me? And then tell me it was unintentional." Because really, "If you can ignore me for two months without noticing, how did I become significant enough to apologize to?" And also, "What am I supposed to say?" Because I'd want to know what you had expected me to say I'd ask, "did you want me to say something like, 'Hey, don't worry about it'?" You would just stand there staring at me the way you did every time I got upset. You'd never say anything, so I'd keep talking, and you'd keep not. So if I was standing there and you were saying nothing, like you would, I'd say, "Did you want me to say something like, 'I've sort of come to expect that from you, but we're friends'?" I'd keep going and you'd keep falling into yourself, "Did you expect me to say something like, 'forgiveness has never been an issue when it came to you ... and ... this'?" And what you'd probably be waiting for me to say is something more like, "forgiving you is nothing compared to how hard it would be to trust you. Again. Or again. Or again. Or again. Or again. Or even again.'" And after I could see it--like I did that morning I cried, and I told you I was crying because I knew I could never tell you anything, because if I did you would never talk to me again (and you didn't) even though you said that time would be different--after I could see that in your face, I think I could say some other stupid thing.
I think I could say, "remember that time?" You wouldn't know if you did, so I'd say, "that time when I left the bed to sleep alone on the couch in the morning. And when you came to get me I couldn't stop crying. You'd told me to put my arms around your neck the night before. You'd whispered it and I knew then, when I did as I was told, that you were going to make my life very hard, because I would be completely in love with you and you would be able to ignore me for two months, and again for another two months, and again ... for another two months ... and again ... for another two months ... and again ... for another two months. And all on accident."
And we'd both be inside ourselves, and we'd both be exhausted, and we'd both keep wondering why you ever bothered. And that's why I waited a week to respond to your message. And that's why it said nothing.
